went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
