The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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