don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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