my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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