Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
