My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
