why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
