proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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