hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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