I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
