She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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