Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
