I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
