Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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