I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
