Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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