Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
