Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize