At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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