My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize