so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
