So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
