Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
