someone threw a dead crab at me
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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