just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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