why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
