i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
