Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
