Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
