She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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