Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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