I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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