i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
