Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
