wrigley field is MILF paradise
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
