Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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