Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
