I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
