I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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