I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
