Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
