I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
