What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You were trust falling into bushes
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
