Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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