I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That accounts for only three of the penises
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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