i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just invented taco cereal.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize