They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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