even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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