i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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