how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
