I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
