Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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