how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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