im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
