I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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