He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize