Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
