She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
