got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
