I think I died a long time ago.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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