he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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