My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
