Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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