The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize