glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
