I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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