Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
