I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
