When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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