so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
